expect delays

I’ve learned a new word recently: solipsism.

The Online Webster says it is the view or theory that the self is all that can be known to exist. In other words, it is a close-mindedness, being oblivious to the idea/fact that things and forces happen to present themselves according to their nature and other forces and things that affect them that have very little to do with you, if anything.

In the same manner, people are not like you, they don’t act/react the way you do, and cannot be expected to do things the way we assume they would. The way I’m seeing it, solipsism is basically a worship of expectations cult. And it’s deadly.

I suppose I’m prone to fall into somewhat a solipsistic swamp. I notice that I often tend to expect from others to do or not do certain things. I think the reason that happens is because not expecting is hard. I was raised with expectations of others toward me. all the values, all the rules… and then school expectations… and then work places. so the system, the whole culture; expectations becomes more rigid.

So basically it comes to this strange equation: you are expected a lot from by others, but for the sake of personal mental and spiritual balance you shouldn’t be expecting anything from them.

Now, how does that work?

the image was copied from https://artofericwayne.com/2014/05/19/say-so-long-to-solipsism/. thankyou.

Ordered Apoptosis

Most of these things 

That we call improvements and inventions

Only make us less adaptable

To the coming times

When we won’t be able to 

Make lemonade from fruits that nature throws at us.

The Internet-based private life

Is an illusion of comfort.

Your cute, paper sheet thin cell phones

Just invite your brain cells death.

This that we lead is no life,

But our orders of apoptosis.

We will not believe it

When the skies will fall,

Unless it was written about

On our tiny gadgets newsfeed.

Look at all these glorified precious tokens of our cute progressive lives

Without which we can’t even crap in peace!

How is that a healthy life,

When it constantly depends 

On being attached to a machine of some sort?

At times it may feel much more of a positive existence

When someone or something 

Provides you with a myriad of services and data

In a blink of an eye

Than in a country where bombs fall every day

And a piece of bread in an underground shelter 

Is the only thing truly cherished 

Besides a friendly voice of another survivor.

But is it really a healthy living 

When you exist in a permanent illusion?

the image was copied from Facebook on February 13, 2022. thankyou.


Oh, ye mighty force of nature,

grant me humility

to understand and accept 

that when things aren’t working for me, 

it is the universe’s time 

to work for someone else.

Allow me to have enough open-mindedness

to accept yet again

that all things in the fabric of life 

are interconnected,

and when something is depleted of resources, 

it could be in the process 

of borrowing

and shifting energy from somewhere else 

to work more or less smoothly.


the image is my art. thank you.

future me(mories)

I listened to new Yes song called “Future Memories” and I said to myself that maybe it’s going to be a mind bender, musically, as the title already appeared to be. I mean, memories from the future coming into the present? But it happened to be something different – it was about resistance to creating more memories without someone who once was there for a long special while, and then was gone.

And it made me think of you, Nikki, right away. Not Mom or Pete. Maybe it touched on the edges of where their reality of spirit began, but it didn’t go much in.

The song’s character (what we’d call in our native language a “lyrical hero”) didn’t want to continue making memories without their most significant other who was no longer there. I can understand that. I can feel it. But I have to let that resistance pass. Giving in to loss is too easy for me, because often I can feel I’m walking close to breaking out the fence of this existence’ limitations, leaving all responsibility and systemic, social, personal expectations behind. I am so often tired of being kind, of being human, a social animal. I feel like if I’d jump over the fence of those expectations into the dark beyond it, I’d run for days without looking back. It’s tempting to leave all the imperfect behind. Too easy, it feels wrong.

And that’s why I cannot permit myself not going forward within the constraints of this world. And no, I cannot allow myself even to think of refusing future memories without you, brother. I’ll keep the ones that I have of us, and hopefully they will keep me smiling. And when I’m on the way forward, I’ll keep wishing you were there with me to experience new amazing ones.

great shot of Nikki, Mom, and myself is by Dad. love it. thankyou!


Pyramids are cool –

You can have people buried in them,

You can study them in math class,

And you have them in your throat,

Or so my anatomy text book says.

People even make movies

And write rock albums about their mysteries.

Eighty years ago

One smart fellow Maslow

Presented his own pyramid:

It’s the system of human needs:

It goes up from most basic

Such as shelter and food and safety,

Down through love and connection,

To self-actualization through creativity

And ways dealing with the world’s crap.

All of these, especially latter ones,

Are something that I’d define

As happiness.

Get that?

Happiness is not an empty sound.

Human is a need.

But what is it to you or me?

Happiness is not a load of shiny things

Or a boat of everything I ever dreamed of.

I mean, that would be cool too,

But would my having everything

Make me happy?

Small things do, though.

Like, her being near

And me finishing a novel,

Clean water and silence

Make me the happiest.

Connection is a big one too:

I can have secure Internet but no connection.

And what’s the point of that?

Maybe this is how I learn

Not to lose my cool, like I do often in those cases.

We can give ourselves a chance

To be content and healthy

Without putting big words on it.

Our bodies and minds systems require that.

Let it be the happiness that lasts,

Not euphoria that slides away

Like a shower curtain,

Eventually exposing all the crap

That never went away and wasn’t fixed up.

the image was copied from https://archinect.com/news/article/150286081/artist-jr-s-latest-installation-transforms-the-great-pyramids-of-giza-a-top-ical-new-nft thank you

conversations with unnamed pain

Something’s not right. Who are you?

Oh crap, that’s not good.

Who’s put you here?

My fault? No way. Maybe I’ve inherited it. Oh… Are you sure about that? Oh…

Well, is that something I ate?

Is that something I didn’t eat enough of?

Maybe you just arrived after lunch, cause I woke up in the morning and I don’t remember you being there…

Are you sure it was me?

Did I watch too much TV?

What do you mean you’ve been here for a while? And you only tell me now?

What is that supposed to mean, “don’t be silly”? I had no idea drinking that would give me this!

Oh… Yes, they did. They told me. But I thought they all did this. So, I did too. And now… What happens now?

When are you going away?

What do you mean you are not?!

I need to do what??

Well, excuse me!

You don’t need to be such a condescending smartass.

What do you mean I invited you? What, you are like a vampire?

What do you mean by “you are my friend”?

No, no, inflammation may be my friend, it shows me something’s not right, like a little guerilla warfare, but you are just frigging carpet bombing!

What do you mean, you havent even started with me yet?

Are you sure you are my friend?

Can… can we be real friends?

Can you hurt me less?

So, what do I call you?

… what do I feed you?

the image was copied from https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/what-is-pain/ and put on ice by me. thank you


some of us are so smart

about how to do recovery.

until we re not.

we are rejoiced to be

in a safe environment

and we talk non-stop

about positive attitude,

and respect to self,

and advise others on safety tips.

yet all of that wisdom

seems to vanish

when we are out there

in the real world

that we have to face

sober and clean.

suddenly, we’re horrified –

we forget the lessons

and any sense.

we fall hard on our face,

in the end wondering,

what the hell has happened.

the real horror of life that I respond to

is not of demons and ghouls,

but of people, what makes them tick,

and things they do as the result.

we are all sick, it seems,

so let’s stop pretending we know everything

as well, let’s stop walking into the wrong rooms

and start taking the right meds on time.

the image was copied from https://imgflip.com/memetemplate/118011484/Danny-Torrance-The-Shining-Horrified-Expression thank you and thankyou Shining, movie and book, for my wonderful nightmares

Imperfect Beings

One day when it’s all gloom…

I see you crawl,

Although you know how to walk.

You know when not to talk,

Yet you yap constantly.

You’ve got education

And yet somehow you’re as dumb as shit.

Don’t despair – we’re all like that,

Just at different degrees.

We’re imperfect beings.

In most dominant religion’s mythology

We were born to fail.

So the fact we’ve built

Massive glass castles

And can safely reside in them

Is a large chip for our shoulders

Which our self-esteem can rest on.

Although we’re alone¬†

And that’s not so good.

We learn very slowly,

We kill one another consistently

Without respect or care.

We lie to ourselves and others

And we disconnect 

From most things that make us healthy.

“We” make me sick.

One day when it is all gloomy

I wonder

What the hell am I still doing here,

What am I waiting for

When I know how it will end:

Humans will either create another pandemic,

Or drop a bomb,

Or less disastrously, old age and illnesses

Will crawl up on me,

To which I hope to be a dispassionate witness.

Another day, when it’s all sun

I see you crawl, lying to yourself,

It is a lie, for it is all the same disaster.

Sarcolemma Hugs

At the end of the rat race worship

Stage of all, to each their own

Some water to sweat,

Some tears to wine,

No questions asked, 

I no longer wonder why.

Mind and body at still, at last

Muscles come to rest

Supported on all fronts and backs

As I want to be.

Silence is a myth,

But I can settle for less

In a room where no visitation granted

My space, my air,

Near-uninterrupted sleep,

Relief of emptiness equal to freedom from things.

And yet time comes

When after-hours solitude

Becomes too much

Then – I remind myself 

That if no one cares to wonder of my existence

Be it a phone call, or a simple “hi” text,

My body, through my muscles, hugs itself

On millions of levels

From skin to sarcolemma,

Tight with purpose,

Ever at work, 

(whether I’m at or not)

Silent in vibration of life.

In that silent hug enterprise

I smile to the air in the dark.


the image was copied from Wikipedia and butchered by me. thankyou.

Don’t Listen to Noise

They can grind you down

And if you let them,

They will.

All the information,

Supposedly important,

Can be harmful

When you are exposed to it

All the time.

People chatter, cars hiss and honk,

Laundry machines and air fans –

All is noise,

Even bright light,

Most of it may not be seen as invasive

But it is and it brings down

Your immunity to crap

And things you don’t need.

Just like negative comments

Of the people online that you don’t know

Just like people you do know

With their verbal diarrhea and drama.

Don’t listen to the noise.

Don’t give in to the belief

That information is power.

Like all power it can be abused

And it is.

Believe that you have antidote.

Noise is only an illusion of life.

the image was copied from https://penntoday.upenn.edu/2014-06-05/research/too-much-noise-bad-your-health and lightfaded by me. thankyou.