Mourning the Dream

You

Your comforting smile

So much of you and I

Cherished

That I recall.

Want, satisfied.

It’s sweet meeting you again

Known and shared bliss

All fears are extinguished

All sorrows walked through

And now they have ended,

Resurrection of a good life

Colors dance, promises granted…

… I awake –

All the goodness a dream

My essence mourns it

My mind resists it,

Before I realize, yet again, it’s futile

For no power in the universe

Can bring the dream back

Back to reality I knew in my slumber,

But another dream.

—————————————

[image copied from https://www.auntyflo.com/dream-dictionary/darkness thankyou]


practice what your retch

It wouldn’t be true to say I care all the time.

It wouldn’t be true to say I say just truth all the time.

And the best part about it, sometimes I don’t even realize I don’t care or not saying the truth until it happens and I see and hear it, and then I wonder: “What has just happened and what is happening within me that I do that?”

Sumtymes I’d say I will be there in your darkest. But I woke up and the night has taken you away and you were not coming back. Sum timez I say smart things that I see may be of help to you, but I know I don’t always follow them or haven’t for a long time. I try to practice what I preach even if Yoda said there is no try. Am I full of crap? There are days I feel like what’s coming out is just retching.

Who am I besides the imperfect person who deserves a break? There are days nobody seems to care who we are, how we are, how well we could be. So, I just do what I can do. And then I feel like giving up.

And then I get up and try and try.

may be

It’s hard…

… no, it’s more impossibly difficult….

…to believe that you’ve been gone

For a year

And you are not coming back.

At least not the way I knew and loved you.

Maybe you are here

As a bird, hovering over me

Watching what I do

Observing my struggles

And chuckle at my attempts

To make a meaningful living

While as a bird you just focus on survival.

Or maybe you are a spurt of grass

Breaking through the crack

In the concrete path

That I walk on every day,

Your perseverance

Besides my often-times despair.

Or maybe you are a star,

Tirelessly shining on my city

And only very rarely and briefly

I look up and stare into your beautiful eyes.

openings

when one door closes,

another door opens,

and air of another world floats in

like a river of light

with stars and shadows of leaves

that once trembled on the trees

in the valley you’ve never visited;

spirits of fire sparkles

illuminating the space

between portals

making hallways seem

not as lonely dim light tunnels,

but pathways to opportunities.

[the Dagaz rune image was copied from somewhere my memory no longer holds where. thank you.]

nothing straight

I, for a long time, thought

Life moves in a line,

-perhaps majorly crooked-

Like the legendary Taoist river.

However, I’ve been taught

By great master Existence

That just like recovery is no linear process,

Life is a river with scattered pits of maelstroms

And streams branching off.

I could and should learn from it,

Yet I always tend to forget.

Denial is sweet.

(the images was copied from pinterest.ca. thank you.)

timeful death

how hard was your journey

I never fully knew

how your sanity suffered

you kept to yourself.

one can never

get used to dying.

ever so violent

are its blows.

one human demise

is just a start,

for sorrow lingers.

your departure

so unexpected

and for the rest of us

long time paralyzing.

your life was

full of events,

you gave care and love

in the ways only you

have mastered.

you believed your time has come.

you believed you could bear

pain in life no longer.

you may have seen your time was full

complete yet broken.

now you have entered other realm

on the new level of your journey.

as for us,

we’re left to mourn

grieving life,

understanding death

rejoicing in our woes

to cherish existence

in the sacred parlor

of death

in this world.

broken against earth

Breathing promise of life

While plunging toward demise

In the cold air of new day

For no more pain to be taken in

Until last one, near shattering blow.

Years of wants and tears,

Past and future,

Submitted to a closure and exit

As world of another kind

Is opening before you

As you have broken against frozen earth,

Resisting chances of hope and miracle,

Carrying in embrace all the memories

Of beauty spread through the years,

Of warm light

That kept us alive.

(the image was copied from https://www.deviantart.com/skyfiredragon/art/Shattered-Ice-856058871 thank you.)


Half Empty World

Without you in it

This land appears bare.

I feel like in the absence of your laughter

I will no longer care for things

Underappreciated.

In just this one month

All the questions came up

But you can answer them no longer.

Connection you and I had

Had been so strong

It’s a shock it could be severed

Ever so violently.

Something within me is lost

And sometimes I fear

I will never find it again.

______

the image was copied from https://emptyeasel.com/2007/06/01/the-color-black-morbid-powerful-and-timeless/ and enhanced by me. thank you.

[patient denies discomfort]

I didn’t believe

I didn’t want to know

I failed to see

When they told me something was off

When they’ve put the mirror to my face so I’d take a look at how fucked up I was.

I still said I was fine.

I still said there was no reason to worry and why wouldn’t the just leave me be

There was no fight I needed

There was no change I wanted

…there was a scream deep inside of me, for help, for love, for something new…

I kept not hearing it.

I kept wanting the same liquid solution

They, they, they… what else did they do

Besides trying to pry open my eyes to my insanity

Besides slamming with words and actions?

Well, all i saw was intrusion.

I remained alone, telling myself and others nothing was going wrong

I remained intoxicated, believing the fairy tales it was telling me.

…change is a scary thing if it seems like there is no one by your side and that’s how I felt…

One day the years caught up with me

One day it was one of those days

I looked at myself in the mirror that I denied existed

And realized if I keep doing it, I will keep doing it until there will be no more “it.”

…meaningfulness of life was running through my fingers into the sands of the desert I’ve created for myself as I watched, realizing that very fact, scared shitless to do anything about it…

Then I made a step forward and admitted to complete strangers how bad I was.

Then they nodded and welcomed me to the club.

…somewhere deep inside the fucked up me was whispering words of caution but I ignored them…

I was on the way out of denial and toward responsibility that came entwined with freedom

I was me who I knew and the one I didn’t, and that was OK

The change was no longer as scary as before,

For I was no longer alone,

And I saw that as much as I believed it.

 

 

 

honesty w/self

IMG_6548-300x200Three months sober, I went hiking in Jasper. Well, honestly, I rented a cabin in Jasper. Hiking was an addition to that. I had a crazy summer with jobs coming and going, relationships up and down, plus there was plenty of stress of not drinking while temptations were everywhere I looked. I needed a break from that insanity before it was time to get back to school. So, I booked a cabin and in August I went for a somewhat controlled environment adventure in the mountains.

Several days in, me and the small group of guests had a hot day hike. On the way back to the cabins one of them offered me to share some beers with him and his wife. First thought that came to my mind was “Crap, I should have stayed at home in the city, in the environment I could certainly control and have a better way to handle temptations.”

The second thought was less fearful, yet much more dangerous: “Hell, no one will know I had a beer or two! Plus, it would just give me a buzz. No big deal!” I knew though that I would obviously know. And I will remember. And I will suffer, because of the guilt that I broke down so easily. Also, I would suffer due to the more than likely serious mental maelstrom that will follow after the fun of intoxication subsided. I could hide even that, from others, but not from myself. I was new in the program and I didn’t know how you come back to AA meetings after a relapse. I didn’t want to find out.

All these thoughts went through my mind with a lightning speed, like in a Stephen King book, where there is an odyssey seems to pass through in the character’s head, and yet in reality only several seconds have gone through. I was about to look up to the fellow hiker and give him my answer when I thought of something else – how will he take my answer? Will he laugh? Will he say I better have some self-control? Will he do something that will make my isolate in my cabin for the rest of the week? I didn’t want to deal with any of that. And yet the good time of sobriety that I have enjoyed so far, no matter how difficult the time was, prompted me to speak my mind. All that thinking took another couple of seconds, I guess, and I finally made up my mind not to waste more of my companion’s time.

“Um… actually… I’m in recovery. So… um…” I tried to speak like nothing in the world could bother me, although I don’t know if it was working, “I am not going to join you… but… umm… have a good time!”

His reaction was not something that I expected.

He produced the biggest smile that a person could without wrecking their face into parts. In an instant his eyes shone brighter than the sun did all day. He shook my hand, saying: “Good for you! Keep it up” or something in that vein. It was quite a while ago, I can’t remember it quite well. Yet what I do remember is that conversation gave me a tremendous boost to keep it up with sobriety.

I was even happier with not taking a beer farther on that day, because the owners served wine with supper, which is something I’ve forgotten about. Refusing a wine at the table was easy. Refusing a beer when it felt like it was begging for you to accept it after a long hike in the sun, that wasn’t as easy. And a couple of beers followed by some wine… shit, it would do me in physically after ninety days of not drinking and then mentally, with all the thoughts I’d have to deal with. So, I was near ecstatic about the fine job that I was doing, keeping it sober.

That episode keeps coming to my mind in the summer. It’s the season I’ve sobered up, it’s the hiking and camping time. It keeps reminding me of the right choices that I’ve made, and how it keeps paying up for the life of sobriety, and because of that, of freedom. Freedom from hurting myself, freedom to be comfortable in my skin, freedom to speak my mind and to ease my mind from thoughts of however others choose to live their lives.


the image was copied from http://www.ecolodge.com/where-you-play/, the website of Rocky Mountains Escape where the above mentioned adventure has taken place. I went back there many times.