I can see how you are the way you are,
Be it dark all-enveloping confusion,
Or storms of thoughts making you restless
Like walking on hooks, piercing your skull
Its dense walls will resist rain and fist blow
Yet it won’t save you from the menace
Of others’ speech and vibes of the world
Invasion of inner sanctum feels constant.
Outside our skin, there’s lots of that crap.
And you deal with it in ways
You’ve acquired for years.
You repeat: phrases, words, gestures.
Compulsive touching is a need,
Even though that relief doesn’t last.
I don’t know what meaning you put into it
But I think it is protection
And acquirement of power over things
You are powerless over.
Even if you have overcame those fears
And got that stress under control,
For a long time now,
The magical thinking
Of being able to push away danger
Doesn’t completely go away.
Or maybe that is not it at all?
Maybe you don’t even know anymore
Why do you do what you do the way you do
Or say some things the way you say them.
I understand both, and more.
I get it when you are being mischevious,
Conniving, often absent-minded,
You are an isolation master.
There may have been bad use and abuse
Or maybe you were born into violence.
I know what’s behind that grin or wicked smile.
I know the freedom of not caring
I feel your want to scream with raging power
Incinerating everyone around you.
I am not that different from you.
I feel t h a t, because I lived there
Inside the mind dark and weird,
Of many thoughts produced in a second,
Continuously building a castle in which I’d hide.
Others’ pointing at my lack of filter is infuriating
There are days that the dark wool fog returns
And envelopes me and eats away
At my ability to want to continue breathing
I know you fight it.
I do too.
It is much less pronounced lately,
But when returned, it’s not less deadly.
I breathed air everyone breathes
But i never knew difference
Until someone looked at me strangely
And asked, why I said that
And did it that way, not like him and them.
It took time to understand
That I tasted water differently,
Even though my body processed it
The same way as theirs.
I don’t dislike The Different,
Things weird was Me more than anything else.
So i think i do know you.
I see how you are, and I can strongly relate.
There are so many aspects of how we are,
And still the majority just calls us “crazy”
Sometimes I read articles on mental health
And it’s so strange to see
How much stuff they find applies to me
There are so many ways
That many people lose their balanced minds.
We must be millions, unhappily unaware
Of how to get the right help.
I know that the way we are
Isolation is the best of worst strategies
And if you’re not talking
I’ll keep saying hi to you
Because one day
You may wake up to the existence
Of a door to a positive reality
Even if only for the shortest of time.
The only difference between me and you
Is somehow I manage to hold it in check
And that keeps me out-side of the hospital.
Yet sometimes I feel like holding it all together
Is too much work and i need a break.
From the rat race and all the vibes
All the noise and all care
For an unlimited while.
Not that different from you, am I?
Trezvennost II 