unplain view

Sometimes I must be blind to life itself,

And being deaf to reasoning

For me is no stranger.

My excuse is the pulse of existence so mercilessly fast,

And rules that seem to change every hour.

I swim in the river,

Paying attention to direction,

Not surroundings.

That’s when the view comes through

In times and places unexpected.

The shock, though subtle,

Is still strong.

Such is the time –

I’ve looked at this photo for years

Vainly,

Bothering my mind not,

And still I saw just branches and an occasional face.

It was when questioning came –

Of the fairness of reality,

Of the sense of trying hard,

That I saw them,

The runes of abundance.

Just trees they were,

And just trees I always seen in them

Yet when I needed to know it,

Their growing grace came through

With me least expecting it,

Filling my mind with knowing

And my spirit with feeling cared

For many a time.

Plentifulness is not always noticed,

But it is present,

Just like the earth keeps springing with life,

Unseen, uncared for by our ever-busy minds,

Yet it’s always pulsing in its own steady dance,

Ignoring my impatience

And short belief circuits failures.

Subjectively Generalized

Somebody in the meeting long time back said something meaningful about sobered up folks reuniting families, adding “There must be something seriously wrong with you if the sound of kids playing and laughing doesn’t make you happy.” No matter how much strong and connected I felt that morning prior and through half of the meeting, I somehow managed to find myself thrown to the side of the road by those words, coming out of the mouth of the person I respected a lot. I don’t like the sounds of kids running around shrieking. Call me weird, I don’t mind. That’s how I feel. No big deal for me. No big deal for me to consider there is something really wrong with me, either. But there are others. They may feel inferior in that room designed for care. I tried to get over my “thinking too much” which I know I do have… and I couldn’t, because generalizations stink. I hear them a lot.

“We all know,” they say. They like saying that. Maybe there is a desire to be part of it all. Maybe there is a need to think you know more than you know you know. At any rate, it doesn’t help.

When someone says something in the vein of “everybody does it” or “you all know”, it has a potential to be a thorn in someone’s side. Maybe it’s just me… but maybe not? The only time it does speak the truth about us the everybody, is when that song on the radio comes up, singing “everybody hurts.” That I cannot argue with.

Yet the rest of them generalizations and maxims, such as “never” and “always”, they don’t help, because we are all different, and some of us don’t have others’ experience and they can and do feel inferior to the rest. Words can single people out more than actions.

Nothing is absolute in this world. Subjective statements are not cool when imposed on others. Let’s try not to do that to each other, especially in the meetings. I assume we are all there to heal and connect, not break away, hmm?


[the image of deer Algiz, the rune of protection, health and spiritual connection, was copied from https://society6.com/product/algiz-rune-and-deer-in-silver_print. thank you.]

openings

when one door closes,

another door opens,

and air of another world floats in

like a river of light

with stars and shadows of leaves

that once trembled on the trees

in the valley you’ve never visited;

spirits of fire sparkles

illuminating the space

between portals

making hallways seem

not as lonely dim light tunnels,

but pathways to opportunities.

[the Dagaz rune image was copied from somewhere my memory no longer holds where. thank you.]

add tea dude

Today and everyday

I need to remind myself:

You have a right

To have a good day.

You also have a right

To have a bad day.

It’s your choice.

In the midst of cataclysms,

Most of it boils down

To your attitude

To the way things and people are

And will be.

[image was copied from https://angelorum.co/holistic-runes/mannaz-rune/ and cropped by me. thank you.]

every day

Watching flowers bloom

After the fist of winter has unclenched

Water turns to mess

Only months later

 Green and red,

Blue white and deep black

Are the energies

That rule the ball here

Ongoing.

No mercy but a cycle of flow

This is the light and dark

In equal measures

World of life and every day death.

[image was copied from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mud_season#/media/File:Mud_season.jpg. thanks.]

realities

Pretty faces made of eyes

Liquid spheres

Are the only ones to be seen.

The rest is my imagination

Building your head,

Observing the shape and volume.

And how often I am amazed

When they pull the mask off

To have a sip of coffee,

That my vision and the world

Are having so different of realities!

[image copied from https://www.deviantart.com/zenharshanime/art/Masked-anime-girl-856434940. thanks.]

nothing straight

I, for a long time, thought

Life moves in a line,

-perhaps majorly crooked-

Like the legendary Taoist river.

However, I’ve been taught

By great master Existence

That just like recovery is no linear process,

Life is a river with scattered pits of maelstroms

And streams branching off.

I could and should learn from it,

Yet I always tend to forget.

Denial is sweet.

(the images was copied from pinterest.ca. thank you.)

Recognition and Extinguishment of Power

I pass within the night

After the sun glimmer

Has completely perished.

I watch as the light of lamp posts

Dies with my approach

And I question

The nature of energy

That I shed into this world.

Some machines are sick with imperfection

We put on pedestal of our creativity,

The power they emanate

Is a capricious force,

Coming and going without our input.

As I pass, the light dies,

Yet always returns.

This mysterious exchange of energies

Is the magic I need to feel

On the daily basis,

Even though I don’t understand it.

(the image was copied from https://www.wallpaperflare.com/person-walking-on-road-side-at-night-time-light-pole-creepy-wallpaper-erfiq. thanks)

Shark-swim Life

Inspired by a conversation between the characters in the LA’s Finest series I have recently watched, I began thinking of the phenomenon of ever-moving sharks.

Modern mythology suggests that sharks don’t sleep, that they have to move all the time in order to breathe and therefore stay alive. Contrary to that, says Don Vaughan in the article Do Sharks Sleep? while “many types of sharks must keep moving in order to receive life-giving oxygen from the water passing through their gills… some types of sharks are able to remain stationary because they possess special structures called spiracles, which force water through their gills. Some sharks use both spiracles and buccal pumping… in which water is pulled in through the mouth and forced out through the gills by the cheek muscles… Whatever method they use to breathe, sharks are able to engage in periods of deep rest while still but do not fall asleep in the traditional sense. Lacking eyelids, their eyes remain perpetually open, and their pupils still monitor the motion of creatures swimming around them. Sharks that are able to rest while stationary include the whitetip reef shark, the Caribbean reef shark, the nurse shark, the wobbegong, and the lemon shark.”

So, the mythology is wrong, but I will go with the wisdom of the myth anyway, because I am looking into metaphorical sense of the shark example. In order to stay sober in body, I need to be like the ever-swimming shark (without hunting and attacking humans, OK?). I must not stop doing right things and keep myself busy if I want to continue to breathe recovery.

Since the beginning of my sobriety, I was attending AA meetings, and shared, and listened. I did the Twelve Steps, as it was recommended. I chaired meetings a few times. I did service for the home group as putting up chairs and making coffee. I went to recovery houses and detox centres and shared the way of AA with people in treatment. I wrote my personal blog about recovery for over ten years.

I’m not boasting. I have listed here things that I think anyone can do. They are not difficult activities to take action in. The best thing to do is practice these things on a regular basis. It is harder to do these things, perhaps, in the events of the last 365 days when many places are shut down or don’t allow visitors, but there are still Zoom meetings and as I attend those, I am still blogging and connect with recovery through my writing.

On regular basis. I am not saying going to meetings 24/7 (although some people do, and for years). You still have to go to work and spend time with your family, and what not. Yet I keep in mind that I need to be like a shark, constantly moving, being involved in recovery, because to me it is a full-time job – my health and sanity. This is priority.

(image was copied from https://www.nrdc.org/experts/elizabeth-murdock/more-vulnerable-vicious-sharks-need-cites-protection thanks.)

times

There are times when one comes close to doubt reality.

Times when one starts seriously pondering the existence of time beyond the obvious existence of time as in nature of seasons changing.

Times when death doesn’t seem to be much different than life; when death seems to be not just continuation of life after the moment of physical demise of bodily processes, but a constant process that is following life as a being breathes each moment.

Times when the necessity to keep going and doing things different to survival of one’s body and mind is meaningless, for all effort is vain considering the eventual bane of physical life.

Times when even survival of one’s body and mind makes no sense anymore considering eventual and absolute bane of physical life.

Times when breathing is the only thing that seems to be real, for nothing else seems to matter.

Those are the times when I say to myself that wondering about reality of things is what is going to drive me up the wall sooner than I’d know, and persistence of marching through the day today counts as a good reminder of a good effort tomorrow and I have to keep going forward one step at a time because what the fuck else am I going to do today?!

[the image is the segment of the painting by Salvador Dali “Persistence of Memory” 1931 copied from https://www.moma.org/collection/works/79018%5D