I didn’t believe
I didn’t want to know
I failed to see
When they told me something was off
When they’ve put the mirror to my face so I’d take a look at how fucked up I was.
I still said I was fine.
I still said there was no reason to worry and why wouldn’t the just leave me be
There was no fight I needed
There was no change I wanted
…there was a scream deep inside of me, for help, for love, for something new…
I kept not hearing it.
I kept wanting the same liquid solution
They, they, they… what else did they do
Besides trying to pry open my eyes to my insanity
Besides slamming with words and actions?
Well, all i saw was intrusion.
I remained alone, telling myself and others nothing was going wrong
I remained intoxicated, believing the fairy tales it was telling me.
…change is a scary thing if it seems like there is no one by your side and that’s how I felt…
One day the years caught up with me
One day it was one of those days
I looked at myself in the mirror that I denied existed
And realized if I keep doing it, I will keep doing it until there will be no more “it.”
…meaningfulness of life was running through my fingers into the sands of the desert I’ve created for myself as I watched, realizing that very fact, scared shitless to do anything about it…
Then I made a step forward and admitted to complete strangers how bad I was.
Then they nodded and welcomed me to the club.
…somewhere deep inside the fucked up me was whispering words of caution but I ignored them…
I was on the way out of denial and toward responsibility that came entwined with freedom
I was me who I knew and the one I didn’t, and that was OK
The change was no longer as scary as before,
For I was no longer alone,
And I saw that as much as I believed it.