future me(mories)

I listened to new Yes song called “Future Memories” and I said to myself that maybe it’s going to be a mind bender, musically, as the title already appeared to be. I mean, memories from the future coming into the present? But it happened to be something different – it was about resistance to creating more memories without someone who once was there for a long special while, and then was gone.

And it made me think of you, Nikki, right away. Not Mom or Pete. Maybe it touched on the edges of where their reality of spirit began, but it didn’t go much in.

The song’s character (what we’d call in our native language a “lyrical hero”) didn’t want to continue making memories without their most significant other who was no longer there. I can understand that. I can feel it. But I have to let that resistance pass. Giving in to loss is too easy for me, because often I can feel I’m walking close to breaking out the fence of this existence’ limitations, leaving all responsibility and systemic, social, personal expectations behind. I am so often tired of being kind, of being human, a social animal. I feel like if I’d jump over the fence of those expectations into the dark beyond it, I’d run for days without looking back. It’s tempting to leave all the imperfect behind. Too easy, it feels wrong.

And that’s why I cannot permit myself not going forward within the constraints of this world. And no, I cannot allow myself even to think of refusing future memories without you, brother. I’ll keep the ones that I have of us, and hopefully they will keep me smiling. And when I’m on the way forward, I’ll keep wishing you were there with me to experience new amazing ones.

great shot of Nikki, Mom, and myself is by Dad. love it. thankyou!

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