Alone, Not Lonely wrote a page-long vent post, then erased it.

OK, why lie. I wrote a page-long vent post, and then erased it. No, it’s not an identity crisis. It’s denial. Yes, I am working on it.

I wrote a page-long post on how I felt about solitary existence in the crowded room in a house in a crowded city. That’s not just one day. Or, if it is, it lasts an eternity. No, I am not always discontent and lonely. Sometimes… sometimes it is the kind of being alone that is not loneliness. You know? You are alone, but as Henry Rollins said, you don’t have to be lonely. You are content with being alone, because alone you can do things that you cannot do while being around others.

And although this is very cool and positive thought, still there is that time when the content part ends and I start feeling a desperate need to be with someone, make them listen, help them be heard.

I can play my video games for over six hours in a row, but then I take my dog for a walk and I look at the many apartment buildings in the area, and someone’s windows are still lit at 2am and I wonder, What are they doing? Are they alone? Crying? Drinking? Mourning? Playing a video game? Do they need someone? And if they do, how can I help? I can’t. I tell myself I can’t unless they reach out. And then I get myself thinking farther and I feel like I have several good lines for a new story, and so I walk the dog back home and get writing.

And that’s a good-alone-time to do writing when no one is around and it works just perfect.

It worked perfectly for him to work out for an hour in the middle of the night, listening to some heavy metal and in the end, he felt sore, yes, but also strangely rested, like he dropped a weight off his shoulders, while, in fact he did almost the opposite.

OK, why lie again. It worked perfectly for me to work out for an hour or so in the middle of the night, listening to some heavy metal and in the end, I felt sore, but also strangely rested, and I felt like being alone, and wanting to speak to someone or hear another person’s story was no longer a need for me. I just wanted to lie on my back on the floor and listen to silence. Listen to the air, like Henry said.  I required nothing else. I just existed, and it felt amazing. My heart rate was dropping from rushing, my leg muscles were still throbbing, and the sweat was drying up on my back and neck, and I didn’t want anything. Just being. Alone, not lonely. I felt like I want this sensation to last for ages.

Then next day I feel wonderful crazy after having chugged down a bunch of coffee, now walking down the street, not known to anyone, ideas popping up in my head like pop-corn cooked in a microwave, and I couldn’t care less about world’s problems, or connections, or disintegration, or even air. Yeah, air. I don’t think about breathing for about 99% of the time. I only appreciate it when I am running out of it. It’s no longer a Bunch of Coffee Walk time. It is “I don’t care, y’all!” time. I am not lonely. I don’t care for word “solitary” and I don’t have time to play solitaire either. I am not interested if you need to talk, or you’re crying, or mourning and drinking. I’m in a crowd of people, but I’m alone. I’m not lost, but I’m gone.

the image was copied from thanks.

Embracing Escape

escape-roomsYou have a 1) right to remain silent

And a 2) responsibility to yourself to be happy

But no one tells you that

Unless you get arrested

Or see a counselor.

People often get too close for comfort

And so do the activities and expectations

They invent and implement.

Life gets too weird, stability – chaotic

Advertisements of good life become propaganda of fairytales.

The only escape possible is rebellion against social norms

Because normality appear extinct,

Insanity with a friendly smile seems to rule the world,

So much of truth that don’t make sense.

Looking for an exit out of the maze

Of what is presented as the only happy and responsible way of life.

Pain of the mind is so grotesque and massive,

No care seems able to cure it.

You’re embracing the possibility of running away

“Woe to the blind!” you think. “My fate will be different!”

Substance intoxication of exciting behavior are the only ways out that you’ve found.

When you’re trapped in an illusion that substances or dreams will set you free,

It feels like there is not much to lose but indifference

Fairytale wins as your body and mind rot and spirit is enslaved

So, no escape truly happened.

The only true escape is dying to the world of false values and pretences,

But what takes a big fight to understand is that freedom from substances and behaviors

Is in surrendering to the captor and the advertiser

Refusing to struggle is the way to win.

It may sound absurd, but it works.

Substance temptation withers as you live free longer.

The world’s grip on your mind still lives

Though good news is you have a 3) right to be true to yourself:

Wisdom is to not-giving-in to what everyone loves.

It doesn’t make you weaker or weirder, just stronger and smarter.

Here’s something to choose: be like everyone else and perish as a sick trapped digit in a crowd,

Or listen to what your heart sings for your path having in store for you.

Kingdom of chaos and absurdity, declared as normalcy, stands strong.

Make no illusions – the world hates you for exercising your 4) right to be different.

The world is afraid that you have your own opinion,

That you will to make things work for you in your own way.

Healthy choices are hard to make with years to come

Because temptations of bad lifestyle are everywhere, often disguised as good ones.

Ask for help and guidance – your heart and spirit will know when to listen to the right answer.

Wise whisper will pave the road amidst the chaos you once fought and worshipped simultaneously.

the image was copied from thanks.