Pretty faces made of eyes
Liquid spheres
Are the only ones to be seen.
The rest is my imagination
Building your head,
Observing the shape and volume.
And how often I am amazed
When they pull the mask off
To have a sip of coffee,
That my vision and the world
Are having so different of realities!
[image copied from https://www.deviantart.com/zenharshanime/art/Masked-anime-girl-856434940. thanks.]
When you don’t know
What you’re missing
Because you think this what you’ve got is the best thing,
But you know deep down there it won’t last,
And yet you know no peace without it.
Ah, the paradox! How you hate that!
The world smells like a burning gutter
When you lack the best-thing-ever-that-poisons-you-with-mercy.
Painful knowledge of all that you did wrong or all that was done to you
Cuts you like a knife every minute,
Reminding you of imperfections of everything
Including yourself, but there is no peace in it.
One day you listen to what your dreams tell you,
To the quiet whisper of your repressed mind,
And you decide to take a stand
You take a step forward,
Away from the best-thing-ever-that-poisons-you-with-mercy
And it feels good in the process, your believing you can do it
But an hour later you need it, the poison.
Everyone has left you, so you tell yourself, but the poison never did.
Well, it did, but only in the times you couldn’t afford it.
So how can you say goodbye to this your only friend
Who will make it all ease up?
You take the step back to the self ingested paradise
And you are happy in your reunion,
Your courage is diminished, but oh well,
In fact you curse it,
You wish you’ve never crossed the boundaries to freedom,
You swear eternal love to the best-thing-ever-that-poisons-you-with-mercy,
While committing crimes against yourself.
Until another day,
When the boundaries become too close to breathe freely.
Freely? You don’t know what that is.
Courage is a word from some old book.
You feel so, and yet again you take a step forward, away from your favorite poison,
Yet this time you need to make more effort
Because each of your step that results in the bouncing courage
Brings you three steps back.
Each time you need to leap stronger
For your mind dies a little more each time
You listen to the lies you believe.
(the image was copied from https://research.adobe.com/news/how-a-ball-bounces-teaching-a-computer-real-world-physics/. thank you.)
So often
Things appear out of control,
Out of our wanted mental grasp,
Of our undying pride
That we have to have all the power.
For this is how we were raised and taught.
Don’t I know that!
Even knowing that time,
That we think is controlled by the clock,
Is an illusion,
It doesn’t help
When I sense it run through my fingers
Away
From my holding it so firmly.
That’s when I stop caring so much for it
And no matter how much depends on
Saving time
I still say,
Mostly to myself:
Allow yourself some time
Give a chance to self
Look into the blow of wind
And you may see something different
That you’d miss in a rush,
Or doing something else
That is really of no importance.
Excuse your own ignorance,
Or bad mood,
Or intolerance
And move on noticing things
You may have never seen otherwise.
As the world appears unique with time
Within one day,
Same places lit by the sun from different angles,
At the same time
Loads of useless information
Create a sight
Of how things are to be.
But if we take a closer look
At all these memos and agendas
They disappear as smoke gone in the wind,
Providing you with time
To do something special and lasting
For yourself
That you maybe cannot even describe with words
More and more lately I catch myself wondering if life would be easier for me due to my perceptions of things happening if I wasn’t so profoundly entertained by social media, especially including movies, advertisements, songs, and books. I think I’ve been deceived about how life does and should work.
Illusion is something I’ve been fighting regarding alcohol intoxication through the last 14 years of sobriety, and yet illusion has kept me in a choke, nevertheless. I just didn’t pay proper attention to it.
Illusion of how people behave and talk. How they joke. How they take life’s curve balls. How they react, freak out and how they fuck. How they walk away from things and what are the consequences of their unpopular decisions. How is all that perceived and judged by society. All of those questions are valid, and I ponder them more often lately.
I think people’s freak-outs and catching curve balls, and the society’s reaction to those are most central for me in this ongoing wondering session. If I preferred to keep silence instead of responding, or walk out and slam the door, the situation will not magically resolve itself. The people whose face I’ve slammed the door in still will be there when I come back and I’d have some good explaining to do instead of receiving a pat on the shoulder and an “OK!” to my nonchalant remark “I’ve got a lot on my mind” like a protagonist would do in a cop show. And yet for a long time I thought the cop show approach was completely appropriate. I also thought the situation may resolve itself. So many times in the past I wondered why it hadn’t. I mean, I walked away from setting fire to the whole settlement, so why do I have to resolve anything now?
Nobody just understands you if you flash a grin as an explanation for a screaming match. No witness will just turn around and leave. Even friends and loved ones who understand you, they still need to be talked to about what caused the disturbing/inappropriate/insensitive behaviour. To talk to – I don’t think I was taught to do that. I was expected to do that, but I didn’t know how. I haven’t learned it.
I wish relationships and communication were taught at school as religiously as math and history. They should’ve replaced organic chemistry or geometry with “how to talk and not talk to others” workshops. I think it would make up for much more caring and supportive societies.
I guess my perception of reality crisis, it will bloom from here on now that I may have faced the truth of it. It’s good to be aware. As for the lessons, they will keep coming up. All I think I need is to patiently continue acquiring adequate ways of handling them and improving my behavior conduct. For most of my life, being taught was not a fun process. Let’s see how it goes from here on.
the image was copied from https://jackiejain.wordpress.com/2016/04/11/i-is-for-identity-and-illusion-day-9/ thank you.
I was wondering about you.
You seem to never care
About what you’ve got inside
That is truly yours and no one else’s.
You appeared to disregard
How unique people can be
And you’ve built that illusion
Starting with yourself.
You probably began thinking that way
Because of her.
How full of herself she was.
How much she believed
That the world revolved around her,
And that everyone owed her,
And that she owned everyone;
That all that she has gained
She somehow has inherited from herself.
I think you both went too far.
Everybody is special –
It’s so different how we talk, eat, sleep.
Sickness makes us alike,
We ache in similar ways
Yet our skills are unique
And dreams are so wild
In contrast to everyone else’s.
You deny your special gifts as if it was a curse,
Just as she ignores others.
But our differences are true
And they can unite us
Making us stronger in many ways.
You think you need someone special in your life
But you need to know –
You already have one.
You should praise them,
Although with good measure.
This special one needs attention,
Care and support to bloom bigger,
Unleash artistic forces
So you could achieve greater things.
The powers that you so hard try to let go of
Or call insignificant, –
They are nothing of a kind.
the image was copied from https://arrestedmotion.com/2015/05/art-focus-cinta-vidal/
art by Cinta Vidal
thank you.
Thanks to Brian for the wall inspiration.
In the grey mist nothing was to be seen, or so it appeared. I ran fast, making jumps here and there. I yelled loudly, they were curses and shouts of joy. Growls were loud to the point that as they left my mouth, my throat hurt. Yet still I did it, because I wanted to express all of my anguish and joy of liberation which I thought I was experiencing. And when I was just about to make it out of the woods, I ran into something. I should’ve known, of course, what it was – I ran into it so many times before. Still somehow, I managed to forget each time. So much good time, so much forgotten in the midst of it. I hated the pain that pierced my head, I hated forgetting, but oh how I hated remembering! It would always appear just when I started to have a real good time. I looked at the wall that mounted above me, and I recalled more and more of the past instances. Resentments, pain, need for the cure, instantaneous relief, blinding intoxication, freedom at the tip of my tongue and all over my brain, and then – hitting the wall and all the self-loathing that came along with it…
No, that is not the wall to symbolize the isolation as in the great Pink Floyd album/movie, although in me past of self-destruction that certainly would come over for a visit and stay for a long time if I’d allow it… and I did.
Each time my mind wanted to party, even if it was a celebration of the day just for me, myself, and I, my body would perform all the necessary rituals, no matter how tired it may have been minutes prior. I’d run to the store to get booze so fast I’d beat an Olympic champion. And then the chug-chug-chug must-do and I was back in business of fun. Colors came back, and the reality would retreat. And since I could never stop if I started, I’d let party keep going. More beating Olympic champions would follow, and oh dear, how bad my stomach was ravaged, while my mind danced not realizing it was kept being raped!
And then would come that time when my spirit would be running in the grey mist of not seeing too clearly anymore and then BAM! I’d hit the wall. I’d be lying there wonder what the hell happened. Most of the time that would happen in the morning after. What a crash! Getting on with the day in “the morning after” was like a world war! And I could never learn from that lesson of which I had thousands.
Lessons! Oh, how well I tried to ignore those! I kept trying to bash my head through the wall. Just kept doing the same thing. Then I decided it would be smart to try and walk around the wall. My mind was looking for the loopholes in the Creation that would allow me out-smart my body. Mostly those attempts were based on the advises from other drinkers. Listening to those, I was rejoiced. The illusion that the grass is greener somewhere out there where we aren’t at yet didn’t want to die. I believed I could still find the way to be happy on my own terms, doing what I wanted, being reckless if they just let me, or dream all day long if life allowed it.
And yet I kept hitting the wall, only these times instead of being blinded by pain and growling helplessly, I’d be wondering aloud “Hey, I ate this time!” or “I was drinking water too!” or “Well, I wasn’t mixing anything!” And no, those attempts to calm down hangovers didn’t work for me. My body simply didn’t want to have anything to do with alcoholic intoxication beyond certain point. Problem was, I couldn’t stop drinking at any point except for brain shut down, or I’d be out of money, or the liquor store was closed.
The wall was a testimony to my being unteachable and lost in denial. Yet at the same time, all these times I failed to see that the wall was also the extremely useful limitation created for the sake of my self-preservation, my body trying to teach me a vital lesson. It was to signify my boundary I believed I wanted to and could cross, but my body and mind won’t allow me to. It worked just as the blackout was not a curse, but just my body shutting down on me so I wouldn’t kill myself with all the truly lethal massive dosage of ethyl spirits.
It is easier to see now that I was spending crazy amounts of money and time to pretty much kill myself each time over the last several years of my drinking “career”, while I was thinking I was having a good time, diving headlong into the illusion of running away from reality for a little while. The wall of my body and mind reactions saved me, and yet I felt I was weak and needed to strengthen it by building a seasoned drinker’s attitude and gut. Silly, but sad.
And that just how my mind and body reacted in the real time. The way my mind was screwed by my own hands during those years is sometimes hard to look back at, so crazy those thoughts and ideations were. I still say in the AA meetings that this recovery fellowship literally was the best thing that ever happened to me. No lie about that. I’ve learned about my limits. I’ve learned how not to run away from life, and I’m still better at it these days then in the past. I became better with living in my skin and accepting responsibilities. And I no longer go too crazy to kill myself and deny it.
Thank you for fourteen years of sobriety!
the image was copied from https://www.reddit.com/r/starcitizen/comments/b3xhua/found_it_the_wall/ thanks.
You have a 1) right to remain silent
And a 2) responsibility to yourself to be happy
But no one tells you that
Unless you get arrested
Or see a counselor.
People often get too close for comfort
And so do the activities and expectations
They invent and implement.
Life gets too weird, stability – chaotic
Advertisements of good life become propaganda of fairytales.
The only escape possible is rebellion against social norms
Because normality appear extinct,
Insanity with a friendly smile seems to rule the world,
So much of truth that don’t make sense.
Looking for an exit out of the maze
Of what is presented as the only happy and responsible way of life.
Pain of the mind is so grotesque and massive,
No care seems able to cure it.
You’re embracing the possibility of running away
“Woe to the blind!” you think. “My fate will be different!”
Substance intoxication of exciting behavior are the only ways out that you’ve found.
When you’re trapped in an illusion that substances or dreams will set you free,
It feels like there is not much to lose but indifference
Fairytale wins as your body and mind rot and spirit is enslaved
So, no escape truly happened.
The only true escape is dying to the world of false values and pretences,
But what takes a big fight to understand is that freedom from substances and behaviors
Is in surrendering to the captor and the advertiser
Refusing to struggle is the way to win.
It may sound absurd, but it works.
Substance temptation withers as you live free longer.
The world’s grip on your mind still lives
Though good news is you have a 3) right to be true to yourself:
Wisdom is to not-giving-in to what everyone loves.
It doesn’t make you weaker or weirder, just stronger and smarter.
Here’s something to choose: be like everyone else and perish as a sick trapped digit in a crowd,
Or listen to what your heart sings for your path having in store for you.
Kingdom of chaos and absurdity, declared as normalcy, stands strong.
Make no illusions – the world hates you for exercising your 4) right to be different.
The world is afraid that you have your own opinion,
That you will to make things work for you in your own way.
Healthy choices are hard to make with years to come
Because temptations of bad lifestyle are everywhere, often disguised as good ones.
Ask for help and guidance – your heart and spirit will know when to listen to the right answer.
Wise whisper will pave the road amidst the chaos you once fought and worshipped simultaneously.
the image was copied from https://www.picktime.com/scheduling-software/escape-rooms thanks.
Controversy
What a popular world lately.
You seem to find it anywhere,
But not under your own nose,
And yet it is there.
At least half of the stuff you eat is bad for you,
And half of the things you do
Or not do
Sends you on the path of regress,
As opposed to what you used to want in life.
All the teachings of the world say
Thou shalt not kill your neighbor,
But no one goes to jail after the war mass slaughter.
Same way drinking alcohol is culturally approved,
But how many look into
How it turns people toward aggression
And lack of responsibility
For their actions?
Instead of questioning those ancient controversies,
We look for something new and “shocking”
On the screens of so many kinds.
Spiritual death
Has been happening every hour of our lives
And we cannot see
How disgusting it is
Because we dress it up
In the pretty clothes of “fascinating” and “new”,
Garments that are not even real.
the image was copied from http://www.fingerclicksaver.com/iphone-umbilical-cord-charger-yep-pretty-gross-if-you-ask-me/ thanks.
Trezvennost II 