“Yeah, but…”

business woman in front of two roads thinking decidingYou say “what if…”

And I think about that

And then I think some more

And I want to take a step forward

To meet you in the middle

But what I end up doing

Is taking at least one step back

As I utter “Yeah, but…”

I recognize that I do that a lot –

Instead of embracing an opportunity

I settle for less.

Sometimes it feels like

I’m settling for less than nothing,

Because as time goes by

I see how I could have benefited

From the change proposed.

I keep on stalling before moving.

I wonder, “what if I fall?”

And then, the more confident voice in my head goes,

“OK, but what if you fly?

And what if you manage your life and environment

Much better from here on?”

How well that brave comment sounds.

I want to follow it

And then –

Anxiety and fear to make a choice

Kick me in the ribs.

Each time a decision is to be made

It feels like I’m facing a road sign saying

“Road works in progress. Expect closure, delays, genocide, Armageddon…”

Sure, I’m terrified!

Yet how realistic are those?

And how high is the possibility

That my undertaking a small new something

Is going to burn me with napalm instead of opening a door?

Yeah, but what are the guarantees that it would?

Well, sometimes there are none –

Life isn’t fair and violets are blue,

Yet some common sense, believing, hoping, and a realistic guess

Should count for something.

Taking no chances relates to jumping off a skyscraper.

But this one I’m dealing with is not it.

So, instead of “yeah, but…”

I push myself forward

To say, “Yeah, OK!”

And keep on doing so.


the image was copied from https://ramblingsofapilgrim.com/could-you-too-be-suffering-from-spiritual-inertia/ and twist-faded into a napalm burn by me. thank you.

mastery

commando-06152012not dreading it,

not hating life.

not wanting to be in the daylights.

just taking it in

like a task

like a mission

not subject to be failed.

going through with it

is easier

if you think of it

as of going to battle –

you pack your gear

like your guns

use your mastery

your MUSTery,

no mystery

but reason

and care.

march forward to take out an enemy

whatever it is,

how ever it is –

you fight it and bring it down.

if you bring forth right attitude

to the task

and you put your mind to it,

you will have it accomplished –

getting on with the new day,

every day,

by getting out of bed

and marching out into the new day

to deal with people,

places

and things.


the image was copied from https://www.indiewire.com/2012/06/in-praise-of-commando-129735/ thank you.

Perception of Reality: A Crisis

More and more lately I catch myself wondering if life would be easier for me due to my perceptions of things happening if I wasn’t so profoundly entertained by social media, especially including movies, advertisements, songs, and books. I think I’ve been deceived about how life does and should work.

Illusion is something I’ve been fighting regarding alcohol intoxication through the last 14 years of sobriety, and yet illusion has kept me in a choke, nevertheless. I just didn’t pay proper attention to it.

Illusion of how people behave and talk. How they joke. How they take life’s curve balls. How they react, freak out and how they fuck. How they walk away from things and what are the consequences of their unpopular decisions. How is all that perceived and judged by society. All of those questions are valid, and I ponder them more often lately.

I think people’s freak-outs and catching curve balls, and the society’s reaction to those are most central for me in this ongoing wondering session. If I preferred to keep silence instead of responding, or walk out and slam the door, the situation will not magically resolve itself. The people whose face I’ve slammed the door in still will be there when I come back and I’d have some good explaining to do instead of receiving a pat on the shoulder and an “OK!” to my nonchalant remark “I’ve got a lot on my mind” like a protagonist would do in a cop show. And yet for a long time I thought the cop show approach was completely appropriate. I also thought the situation may resolve itself. So many times in the past I wondered why it hadn’t. I mean, I walked away from setting fire to the whole settlement, so why do I have to resolve anything now?

Nobody just understands you if you flash a grin as an explanation for a screaming match. No witness will just turn around and leave. Even friends and loved ones who understand you, they still need to be talked to about what caused the disturbing/inappropriate/insensitive behaviour. To talk to – I don’t think I was taught to do that. I was expected to do that, but I didn’t know how. I haven’t learned it.

I wish relationships and communication were taught at school as religiously as math and history. They should’ve replaced organic chemistry or geometry with “how to talk and not talk to others” workshops. I think it would make up for much more caring and supportive societies.

I guess my perception of reality crisis, it will bloom from here on now that I may have faced the truth of it. It’s good to be aware. As for the lessons, they will keep coming up. All I think I need is to patiently continue acquiring adequate ways of handling them and improving my behavior conduct. For most of my life, being taught was not a fun process. Let’s see how it goes from here on.

48488707-quote-reality-is-merely-an-illusion-albeit-a-very-persistent-one-albert-einstein-56420


the image was copied from https://jackiejain.wordpress.com/2016/04/11/i-is-for-identity-and-illusion-day-9/ thank you.

Looking Back

looking-back“Don’t Look Back, You’re Not Going That Way” the sign said.

Technically, it’s true. If you want to forward, you need to look that way, so you watch your step and what’s further in front of you.

It wasn’t the sign on a road though. It was not on the runway either. The sign printed on paper was taped to the wall at a mental hospital unit.

It got me thinking, obviously, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this. Now, what was it about that sign, or rather its message, that got me thinking? As an Overthinker (which I certainly am, I wish that was an official medical term, because maybe there would be meds that slow and calm you down without causing any unwanted retardation), I went into the Think Forest. The path I walked was something different than whoever wrote put that sign up, or whoever put together all those similar posts on the Net which I found looking for a suitable image for this post to be published with.

What I thought of was the concept of history.

How do we move forward without knowing what caused us to get here in the first place? How do we make right without learning what was wrong? How do we avoid making mistakes if we haven’t learnt from the ones we made in the past? The only way to learn of those is to study them. Not under a microscope, of course; that will keep us in the rut for too long. Yet still, if we don’t try to understand what has caused us the ill, how will we ever be healthy again – tomorrow or next year?

As an Overthinker, I do sometimes wonder if I’m giving it too much thought, all this musing and wondering, which is why I get to be an Overthinker, as acknowledged by the others with whom I’d share these thoughts with. Yet, as soon as I think of that, I also realize something that doing so is in fact practising something useful. I think it’s called “reflection.” That’s a good thing, isn’t it? Another word for it is “hindsight.” And it seems to me that hindsight is something that much of our world lacks lately. Maybe even longer than “lately.”

We tend to repeat our mistakes over and over. We put millions of whatever currency into improving and perfecting means of communication on a global and neighborly level, but we fail to connect with people next to us. We keep making guns and get sad of how many people die. We then keep voting for people who keep smiling and hug children and that is never a good sign. We keep working jobs we can’t stand hoping it would get better. We keep using substances to keep us ok, but they never do, and we keep lying to ourselves that will change, we just need time to figure things out; that maybe somebody will come and help us with this, but then, we are still failing to connect with others, right?

Looking back is highly important. If I didn’t do so, I’d be drinking still, or drinking again. It’s no use to look back all the time, – either your neck will get sore, or you won’t see a car coming your way. But I think practicing reflecting is what still somehow keeping us alive. Is it worth to just keep alive, though? Maybe we could live better?

“The farther backwards you will look, the farther forward you will see.” W. Churchill


the image was copied from https://www.autismsociety-nc.org/a-look-back-at-a-remarkable-year/ thanks.

From the Woodwork

wolfhowlDesperate eyes

Struggling for attention

Peering through the twilight

Desiring connection

Yet not ready to sacrifice security

And step into the light.

Years pass

Before they make an awkward move.

Half a step forward

And three hurried steps back

Is no progress

But it’s still an honest attempt.

Will they beat fear to try again soon?

Or will the squirrels in their heads

Chatter them away?

Will the bear growls scare them off?

Or will wolf howls bring them together

With the unknown they always desired

To be a part of?


the image was copied from https://ulfeid.tumblr.com/post/183888620462 thank you.

What You Hear In The Laundry Room

53d6fcb2a56f4.imageGhosts and whispers,

Furniture being moved in dragon castle,

Arguments,

Butt slaps,

Complaints of running nose,

Fist fights for a piece of bread,

Snoring of a drunk man next door,

Whining of a rusty door in the wind

Plastic mattresses sewn in two by intoxicated gnomes in golden capes

And a virgin elephant deflowered by

The ministry of defense  –

All these and possibly more

Interesting and tragic sounds

One can hear in the white noise

Of a homeless shelter laundry room

With a door open.


the image was copied from https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&source=images&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwiMkYa5jKLlAhX0OX0KHSsxD70QjRx6BAgBEAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.heraldextra.com%2Fmomclick%2Fhome-and-garden%2Fsavvy-organizing%2Fquick-fixes-for-a-messy-laundry-room%2Farticle_d8b9eb97-6cf3-5008-929d-bee5cf6d7b57.html&psig=AOvVaw3vNC2Nedvebzq51wIW9bb3&ust=1571360559155805  and laundered by me. thanks.

Fire it up

maxresdefaultMaking fire is akin to dealing with an alcoholic friend. You have to be gentle, but you have to watch it at all times. This friend could be fun and chatty, but also mischievous and raging.

You start making fire from small to large, that’s how I was taught. Small splinters catch the flame from paper, and as the splinters are half burnt, the larger pieces of wood get aflame. And from then on the logs get into play too.

As for important factor in making fire, that is cutting wood, it goes the other way: from larger to smaller. That’s how you make the splinters, and since I use them each time I start fire, I need a lot of splinters. I “shave” those logs into splinters for an hour, because I may need them for days, right?

Then you make sure your future fire has enough air supply. If you make your fire outside of a dwelling, no much bother, I guess. But inside in the fireplace built into the wall, take notice. I had to learn the hard (but not disastrous) way how that works. Fire is energy that feeds on air. Let it breathe and give plenty. Leave spaces, however small so the fire’s soul was free, not entombed. Make sure the air shaft is open in the chimney.

It is after that you are ready to put up the construction, the Pyre. Paper on bottom, splinters above it, the large chunks over. Then you add the logs. You need to make sure that all of that is not piled up like a havoc wind came through. With that, make sure to keep the fire fed. That is, keep throwing in more wood at right times. So, watch the fire and don’t walk away. Safety first, heat second.

That’s plenty of rules, all necessary. Billions of people came through the lands of the Earth making fire to keep themselves alive, warm, and fed and that’s how our civilizations kept intact. The fire making rules were, probably, the earliest that the humankind learned. They improved on it, but I doubt they changed a hell of a lot. Tending to fire works best at simple level. Most important things in life are, I think.


the image was copied from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egFm6MHLvYk, thank you.

P.S. If somehow this post made you feel like you’ve been read a lecture, and you didn’t appreciate it, just like I wouldn’t 15 years back, please follow the above link and enjoy the 12 hours of watching and listening to fire burning in safe environment.