progress – Trezvennost II

Bouncing Courage

When you don’t know

What you’re missing

Because you think this what you’ve got is the best thing,

But you know deep down there it won’t last,

And yet you know no peace without it.

Ah, the paradox! How you hate that!

The world smells like a burning gutter

When you lack the best-thing-ever-that-poisons-you-with-mercy.

Painful knowledge of all that you did wrong or all that was done to you

Cuts you like a knife every minute,

Reminding you of imperfections of everything

Including yourself, but there is no peace in it.

One day you listen to what your dreams tell you,

To the quiet whisper of your repressed mind,

And you decide to take a stand

You take a step forward,

Away from the best-thing-ever-that-poisons-you-with-mercy

And it feels good in the process, your believing you can do it

But an hour later you need it, the poison.

Everyone has left you, so you tell yourself, but the poison never did.

Well, it did, but only in the times you couldn’t afford it.

So how can you say goodbye to this your only friend

Who will make it all ease up?

You take the step back to the self ingested paradise

And you are happy in your reunion,

Your courage is diminished, but oh well,

In fact you curse it,

You wish you’ve never crossed the boundaries to freedom,

You swear eternal love to the best-thing-ever-that-poisons-you-with-mercy,

While committing crimes against yourself.

Until another day,

When the boundaries become too close to breathe freely.

Freely? You don’t know what that is.

Courage is a word from some old book.

You feel so, and yet again you take a step forward, away from your favorite poison,

Yet this time you need to make more effort

Because each of your step that results in the bouncing courage

Brings you three steps back.

Each time you need to leap stronger

For your mind dies a little more each time

You listen to the lies you believe.

(the image was copied from https://research.adobe.com/news/how-a-ball-bounces-teaching-a-computer-real-world-physics/. thank you.)

Looking at the world one cannot help but wonder, said somebody famous. Sometimes that wonder is positively amazing. Some other times it is less great, for it is more of a realization of progressively lacking understanding of life as one gets older. “I can’t understand this world,” as the war hero in Burnt by the Sun movie said, “it’s some kind of trains with geese.”

The world tends to scare me much lately, way more than before. Maybe because I learn more of it now, and because of what I know, I fail to understand why things have to be so complicated to make things easier.

What do we do to get through the fear of things we know are going to eat us alive? We put down the straw mattress to cushion the fall. Everyone has to do their part to save some disappointment from the chaos of imperfect world that is probably not going to change for the better. I go every day thinking I’m on a mission, whatever it is. That keeps some apathy at bay and brings in some vigor to the pace. That way the trains and geese don’t bother me. I just know that I have to do my part and clean my side of the street, no matter who the president is or what other virus is out.

Halloween is over, and it is a new year (if you, like me, believe in the ancient European tradition that after Samhain fires it was the new year). Lets hope it will be the year that makes more sense.

(the image was copied from https://pixels.com/featured/train-chasing-canada-goose-steve-boyko.html. amazing job and thank you!)

The Tempo of Change

I walked the road and several steps before I came close to it, spotted a pebble stone. I deliberately kicked it and then watched for where it landed. Yet I couldn’t see it for several seconds. I watched both sides of the road at least ten steps in front of me, as I was walking forward. Finally, there it was. The sight and then the sound: I could see it when it stopped moving through the air. I must say, it was quite a kick. It flew much farther than I expected.

Often my reaction to things happening is very similar. “Where the hell is everything I waited/hoped for going?” or “What was the point of that?” or “How is that going to help me/you?” I stop, and I wait, and I think, and then I look, and I see nothing. The key words are “I see nothing right away” but I forget about that one. It comes into sight eventually, almost every time, yet I’m too impatient to give it time to show itself.

Time needs to pass for things to be seen for what it is and the gifts it brings. Writing a diary is the best way to see the change occur. You go several pages back and see how you wrote in misery and now you have an opportunity to compare the misery/doubt of then and what you think is the misery/doubt of now. You make the comparison. You learn of change and how you can use it to your advantage and your future becoming.

the image was copied from https://www.roblox.com/library/90935471/The-small-rock-of-epicness thank you