expectations – Trezvennost II

The Tempo of Change

I walked the road and several steps before I came close to it, spotted a pebble stone. I deliberately kicked it and then watched for where it landed. Yet I couldn’t see it for several seconds. I watched both sides of the road at least ten steps in front of me, as I was walking forward. Finally, there it was. The sight and then the sound: I could see it when it stopped moving through the air. I must say, it was quite a kick. It flew much farther than I expected.

Often my reaction to things happening is very similar. “Where the hell is everything I waited/hoped for going?” or “What was the point of that?” or “How is that going to help me/you?” I stop, and I wait, and I think, and then I look, and I see nothing. The key words are “I see nothing right away” but I forget about that one. It comes into sight eventually, almost every time, yet I’m too impatient to give it time to show itself.

Time needs to pass for things to be seen for what it is and the gifts it brings. Writing a diary is the best way to see the change occur. You go several pages back and see how you wrote in misery and now you have an opportunity to compare the misery/doubt of then and what you think is the misery/doubt of now. You make the comparison. You learn of change and how you can use it to your advantage and your future becoming.

the image was copied from https://www.roblox.com/library/90935471/The-small-rock-of-epicness thank you

The Bumpy Ride

He walked out of the dark room too fast for his own good

And he walked into a wall that I couldn’t believe he couldn’t see.

He walked too fast so on the way he tripped and fell, and he kept crying that his knee hurt

How I resented him!

After all the talk, all the teachings, he still kept doing some strange, unimaginable crap

That was not in the plan.

Years passed, as I watched those like him, failing miserably,

Until I realized that the plan I expected them to succeed accordingly

Was mine, not theirs.

Their lives were theirs, not mine, and such were the expectations.

Everybody’s got their own journey,

And the journey of recovery is not a straight line.

There should be signs all over the place along the track of recovery:

“Expects bumps, setbacks, and redirections!”

Some truly unpredictable situations can happen on the way,

Because life happens.

Sometimes the elevator breaks, and you have to take the stairs to the next level.

Yet though climbing up is exhausting,

We can focus on the idea

That recovery is a road

To pursue a life of fulfillment and hope

And it is worth fighting for no matter how bad the setbacks may seem.

Recovery is not a condition of being healed.

It’s a movement from A to Z and it is truly your own.

I try so hard to remember this when I look at them now

For I remember how I walked and how I fell, and that sometimes

It took a while to get up and walk straight.

I didn’t get all the lessons right away,

But eventually I worked out a plan that suits my journey,

More realistic, and more successful.

I try not to judge them on their success or lack thereof

Because their life and progress

Is none of my business,

For what can I know

Of where they came from and of the depths of their pain?

All I know is my own wounds

And how to tend to them,

No matter how bumpy is the ride.

the image was copied from https://www.theodysseyonline.com/healing-is-not-linear thank you.

Unmet Expectations of Immediate Satisfaction

Green and happy was the forest

And you died in it quietly

Just like it was supposed to be.

All your wants you wore on your sleeve,

While your true human needs were tucked away in the black bag

In the farthest corner of your mind

You were too afraid to look at.

You lived so loud you couldn’t hear your inner pulse

And when it slowed down

You didn’t know it,

Because all you cared for was the gimmie-gimmies

That came and left, and new ones always arrived.

You made no friends,

Just enemies and acquaintances

And no one came for help when you screamed.

All your care was for how nice you looked

And how cool was your new cell phone.

Your desires were shallow.

All the need you had was for your wishes

To come true right away,

And if they didn’t, your inexistent patience

Ate at you like a wolf at a throat.

Beating heart of life that went on its terms

Scared the hell out of you.

Timeless breath of the planet made you twitch in worry

And when you waited for the sun to come up

And warm your limbs on that camping trip

(which is a surprise you went for one in the first place)

Cold kept biting on your skin,

As worms and ants minded their business,

As the birds were gathering and foxes hunting,

And you wondered “why the fuck is the sun taking so long to come up?!?”

And it came, but you didn’t know it

Because you finally fell asleep for the first time in your life

And the slumber was too beautiful to be alive for

So death was the best thing that ever happened to you

As you became nothing,

As you were.

the image was copied from http://gardenofgrace.org/into-the-smog. thanks.