Author: antonarchus

my knowledge of the dark

may be not what I thought it was:

there are things down there

I was not ready to experience.

depth of their eyes reveal pain they’ve hidden

even when the soul seemed to want to laugh

and blood drowned the tears unshed.

gods’ gaze at my failures is endless

for they wait for me to learn.

I knew not someone could wait eternally

if they believed truly the bus to come.

sea was far but river was closer to my home

and I walked along it, but never in,

thus in my isolation I knew not

how deep it was,

but the river knew it was mighty –

it carried life that counted not less than sea.

all that I feared I would become

is share their lifeless laughter;

all that I refuse is hollow homes

where restlessness dwells.

I want forest to be my bed

and autumn leaves, my blanket;

and I want your eyes to look into mine, always;

and hear the laugh of love

light as wind of gods walking above us.

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image was copied from https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fimg.freepik.com%2Fpremium-photo%2Ffalling-dry-yellow-maple-leaves-autumn_116441-2907.jpg%3Fw%3D360&tbnid=vF4XVkF0c–YkM&vet=12ahUKEwieoLDxoOyAAxX6ATQIHf9uC6oQMygBegQIARBY..i&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.freepik.com%2Ffree-photos-vectors%2Fautumn&docid=4p3hmOx8EA3-dM&w=360&h=543&q=autumn%20leaves&hl=en&ved=2ahUKEwieoLDxoOyAAxX6ATQIHf9uC6oQMygBegQIARBY thankyou.

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I keep learning about listening to music. These days I listen to some albums I’ve let go for a while due to not having time, or patience, to discover the beauty, and spirit, and sense.

Last week it was one of the bands that inspired me greatly for 2.5 decades – Voivod. When their latest album Synchro Anarchy came out, I felt like it was no different from a couple of recent minidisks they have released. Then half a year or so later, I’ve reminded myself this is a band that requires to be chewed on over the course of time to really taste it. I’ve also reminded myself that when its predecessor, The Wake album, came out, I didn’t care for it, and it was a couple months later that I sat down and listened to it again while reading the lyrics along to it and loved the experience. So I did the same with Synchro, and it worked! I’ll be coming back to it soon, now that I’ve broken through the barrier of intolerance of first impressions.

Same way it happened today with going back to Enslaved’s second latest release, Utgard. I remember a month or so ago listening to their latest Heimdal album while reading lyrics and I found it uninspiring somehow… the lyrics at that time seemed unfocused. I clearly wasn’t ready yet. That time will come. This morning I listened to Utgard and after listening to music alone first time, I’ve put it on again and read lyrics while listening, and it all came to reason and spirit, and what a beautiful connection it has created… If I wasn’t tied tight into the Norse spirituality, I’d probably be still lost. Anyway, so far I mostly appreciate the bond of music and lyrics. Maybe some time soon, the appreciation of music alone will come to me as well.

I keep trying not to judge, as energy enters my sphere, be it the small balls of light, the moderate strikes of wind, and the grand agents of sonic sense, even if sense appears absent some time. Then as Utgard’s own lyrics say, “time is cosmic vanity” and no linear path of reality exists. Everything is relative, and everything may have more meaning and quality than one, as each person has more of a story than we care to know of. As long as I remember that, I’ll be ok.

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the image was copied from https://www.metal-archives.com/images/8/6/2/8/862857.jpg?3931 and taken advantage of by me. thankyou.

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I’ve learned a new word recently: solipsism.

The Online Webster says it is the view or theory that the self is all that can be known to exist. In other words, it is a close-mindedness, being oblivious to the idea/fact that things and forces happen to present themselves according to their nature and other forces and things that affect them that have very little to do with you, if anything.

In the same manner, people are not like you, they don’t act/react the way you do, and cannot be expected to do things the way we assume they would. The way I’m seeing it, solipsism is basically a worship of expectations cult. And it’s deadly.

I suppose I’m prone to fall into somewhat a solipsistic swamp. I notice that I often tend to expect from others to do or not do certain things. I think the reason that happens is because not expecting is hard. I was raised with expectations of others toward me. all the values, all the rules… and then school expectations… and then work places. so the system, the whole culture; expectations becomes more rigid.

So basically it comes to this strange equation: you are expected a lot from by others, but for the sake of personal mental and spiritual balance you shouldn’t be expecting anything from them.

Now, how does that work?

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the image was copied from https://artofericwayne.com/2014/05/19/say-so-long-to-solipsism/. thankyou.

Oh, ye mighty force of nature,

grant me humility

to understand and accept 

that when things aren’t working for me, 

it is the universe’s time 

to work for someone else.

Allow me to have enough open-mindedness

to accept yet again

that all things in the fabric of life 

are interconnected,

and when something is depleted of resources, 

it could be in the process 

of borrowing

and shifting energy from somewhere else 

to work more or less smoothly.

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the image is my art. thank you.

I listened to new Yes song called “Future Memories” and I said to myself that maybe it’s going to be a mind bender, musically, as the title already appeared to be. I mean, memories from the future coming into the present? But it happened to be something different – it was about resistance to creating more memories without someone who once was there for a long special while, and then was gone.

And it made me think of you, Nikki, right away. Not Mom or Pete. Maybe it touched on the edges of where their reality of spirit began, but it didn’t go much in.

The song’s character (what we’d call in our native language a “lyrical hero”) didn’t want to continue making memories without their most significant other who was no longer there. I can understand that. I can feel it. But I have to let that resistance pass. Giving in to loss is too easy for me, because often I can feel I’m walking close to breaking out the fence of this existence’ limitations, leaving all responsibility and systemic, social, personal expectations behind. I am so often tired of being kind, of being human, a social animal. I feel like if I’d jump over the fence of those expectations into the dark beyond it, I’d run for days without looking back. It’s tempting to leave all the imperfect behind. Too easy, it feels wrong.

And that’s why I cannot permit myself not going forward within the constraints of this world. And no, I cannot allow myself even to think of refusing future memories without you, brother. I’ll keep the ones that I have of us, and hopefully they will keep me smiling. And when I’m on the way forward, I’ll keep wishing you were there with me to experience new amazing ones.

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great shot of Nikki, Mom, and myself is by Dad. love it. thankyou!

Pyramids are cool –

You can have people buried in them,

You can study them in math class,

And you have them in your throat,

Or so my anatomy text book says.

People even make movies

And write rock albums about their mysteries.

Eighty years ago

One smart fellow Maslow

Presented his own pyramid:

It’s the system of human needs:

It goes up from most basic

Such as shelter and food and safety,

Down through love and connection,

To self-actualization through creativity

And ways dealing with the world’s crap.

All of these, especially latter ones,

Are something that I’d define

As happiness.

Get that?

Happiness is not an empty sound.

Human is a need.

But what is it to you or me?

Happiness is not a load of shiny things

Or a boat of everything I ever dreamed of.

I mean, that would be cool too,

But would my having everything

Make me happy?

Small things do, though.

Like, her being near

And me finishing a novel,

Clean water and silence

Make me the happiest.

Connection is a big one too:

I can have secure Internet but no connection.

And what’s the point of that?

Maybe this is how I learn

Not to lose my cool, like I do often in those cases.

We can give ourselves a chance

To be content and healthy

Without putting big words on it.

Our bodies and minds systems require that.

Let it be the happiness that lasts,

Not euphoria that slides away

Like a shower curtain,

Eventually exposing all the crap

That never went away and wasn’t fixed up.

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the image was copied from https://archinect.com/news/article/150286081/artist-jr-s-latest-installation-transforms-the-great-pyramids-of-giza-a-top-ical-new-nft thank you

Something’s not right. Who are you?

Oh crap, that’s not good.

Who’s put you here?

My fault? No way. Maybe I’ve inherited it. Oh… Are you sure about that? Oh…

Well, is that something I ate?

Is that something I didn’t eat enough of?

Maybe you just arrived after lunch, cause I woke up in the morning and I don’t remember you being there…

Are you sure it was me?

Did I watch too much TV?

What do you mean you’ve been here for a while? And you only tell me now?

What is that supposed to mean, “don’t be silly”? I had no idea drinking that would give me this!

Oh… Yes, they did. They told me. But I thought they all did this. So, I did too. And now… What happens now?

When are you going away?

What do you mean you are not?!

I need to do what??

Well, excuse me!

You don’t need to be such a condescending smartass.

What do you mean I invited you? What, you are like a vampire?

What do you mean by “you are my friend”?

No, no, inflammation may be my friend, it shows me something’s not right, like a little guerilla warfare, but you are just frigging carpet bombing!

What do you mean, you havent even started with me yet?

Are you sure you are my friend?

Can… can we be real friends?

Can you hurt me less?

So, what do I call you?

… what do I feed you?

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the image was copied from https://www.sciencefocus.com/the-human-body/what-is-pain/ and put on ice by me. thank you

some of us are so smart

about how to do recovery.

until we re not.

we are rejoiced to be

in a safe environment

and we talk non-stop

about positive attitude,

and respect to self,

and advise others on safety tips.

yet all of that wisdom

seems to vanish

when we are out there

in the real world

that we have to face

sober and clean.

suddenly, we’re horrified –

we forget the lessons

and any sense.

we fall hard on our face,

in the end wondering,

what the hell has happened.

the real horror of life that I respond to

is not of demons and ghouls,

but of people, what makes them tick,

and things they do as the result.

we are all sick, it seems,

so let’s stop pretending we know everything

as well, let’s stop walking into the wrong rooms

and start taking the right meds on time.

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the image was copied from https://imgflip.com/memetemplate/118011484/Danny-Torrance-The-Shining-Horrified-Expression thank you and thankyou Shining, movie and book, for my wonderful nightmares

One day when it’s all gloom…

I see you crawl,

Although you know how to walk.

You know when not to talk,

Yet you yap constantly.

You’ve got education

And yet somehow you’re as dumb as shit.

Don’t despair – we’re all like that,

Just at different degrees.

We’re imperfect beings.

In most dominant religion’s mythology

We were born to fail.

So the fact we’ve built

Massive glass castles

And can safely reside in them

Is a large chip for our shoulders

Which our self-esteem can rest on.

Although we’re alone 

And that’s not so good.

We learn very slowly,

We kill one another consistently

Without respect or care.

We lie to ourselves and others

And we disconnect 

From most things that make us healthy.

“We” make me sick.

One day when it is all gloomy

I wonder

What the hell am I still doing here,

What am I waiting for

When I know how it will end:

Humans will either create another pandemic,

Or drop a bomb,

Or less disastrously, old age and illnesses

Will crawl up on me,

To which I hope to be a dispassionate witness.

Another day, when it’s all sun

I see you crawl, lying to yourself,

It is a lie, for it is all the same disaster.