In Conscious Denial of Impertinence

interconnected+vortexEither everything is important

Or nothing.

In recovery and sober living

Everything is pertinent.

It’s a living organism of body, mind and spirit

Like a web of Gaya

Spreading through all that dares to breathe

Valknut of life streams of energies

And roads to all living powers.


Wars of emotions in us

Are just like the nerves and sinew-

All connected,


Cohesion of thought and muscle work

As life events occur around us

We are influenced hundred times faster

Than we will ever know

So our behaviors

Are of fragile and vulnerable children

Relearning how to walk, speak, and connect to the world around.

the image was copied from thank you.

Yeah, seriously

YellowtaillogoI saw this advertising on the bus that made feel rather uncomfortable.

“We take wine seriously, so you don’t have to.” © Yellow Tail

So… what’s going on here? Why am I taking offence to this? Am I one of those in the legion of the Upset who can’t breathe without pointing something out and complaining about it? Or is there something here worth thinking of?

I think that thinking is required. Ha.

First of all, it is a clever advert and I got to give them an “A” for that. There’s been quite a bit of smart ads around lately that either make me chuckle or admit that even though I don’t care or don’t agree with what was advertised, it is still smart. Yellow Tail, the company selling wine from Australia for over half a century, or whoever is writing down their ad campaign, got their heads together.

Secondly, though, there is a problem too. Tell me, what happens when someone tell you “Let me handle this, so you don’t have to”? Isn’t that how the world powers became the ones who have the power and the majority were left screwed? Isn’t that how we ended up with the banks running the globe? They still talk it: “Let us handle this for you.”

And thirdly, about that word “seriously.” Somebody doesn’t want you to take your wine seriously. Think about it. Someone you don’t know, knows nothing about you (but wants your money to buy a fun looking bottle) tells you that you don’t need to take your (drinking) seriously. This ad was on the bus. Who takes the bus and can’t yet afford cars? I mean, besides the seniors and low-income adults? Right, kids. And freshman students. So, do you think there may be some kind of an issue with the bright yellow ad basically throwing itself in the eyes of a kid/young student on the bus, an ad saying you don’t have to take your wine (drinking, responsibility around alcohol) seriously?

OK, enough about the kids. How many adults do we have out there in the world who don’t take their behavior involving alcohol seriously? Do we need more? Well, we keep attracting them into the wrong thinking right now. It gives us some strange ideas. No, not thinking about the ad’s pros and cons. More like, let’s just let it rip, who cares…

Am I exaggerating?

the image was copied from and mutilated by me. thanks.

drink u pretty

Godwin Austen (K2) - 8611 mHe sang

He couldn’t drink the girl pretty

She really wasn’t it, I guess.

I tried to drink her pretty,

And I failed too.

Her name was Life,

Her last name was On-its-terms.

Must be French.

I was stubborn though.

I tried, and I tried, and I tried.

She wasn’t. Stubborn, I mean.

She just was.

She sat there like a rock

And smiled sadly,

Probably hoping I’d get it,

But it took me a while:

Years of anger,

Brain cells wasted in millions,

And hope in fellow men – in shovels,

Only it wasn’t their fault.

False hopes and unrealistic expectations did it.

I cared for things that wasn’t there,

Although all that time I had people

Telling the truth to my face,

Truth I didn’t like.

I always thought Plan B would work,

But I got to letter Z and I was still profoundly fucked.

Now I look at the sky with eyes sober

As the morning dew,

(unless the air got drunk on a whim)

And say “thank you” a lot.

I still try,

You know, coffee it pretty.

But I think it’s a different kick –

No one gets hurt,

And the bills get paid.

She still sits there like a rock,

But I know her smile is happier now.

the front image was copied from thanks.


interconnectionsI was looking at the contents of the shiny white friend this morning after I’ve used it and I was wondering how it was possible that I, who considered himself rather graceful and clean creature, could spend the whole night being literally full of shit.

And everybody is. At any time of the day, we are all full of human waste that we need to at some point, get rid of. All of us. Smart and pimpled kids, strong and prejudiced men, beautiful and jealous women. Skull beneath the radiant skin, guts behind the ribcage behind the chest, be it pumped up muscles or attractive breasts. The truth is that we are all organisms before we are persons, and it is stupid to deny, even though some time we try to and most of the time don’t think about at all.

Why do I think about it now? Well, that’s out of a certain thinking that comes to me in the spring time. Ever heard of spring time depression? Yeah. But I don’t think I am depressed today. I think it is simply me, more and more often, looking at the futility of living.

I’ve been around for four decades to find that it is harder to find a good belief to keep on living.

And before you may think it, I must say that I am not thinking of ending my life. Nope.

So, having said that, I am trying to hold on to a goal of getting published and helping others. Leaving a positive footprint, so to speak. Not an ecological footprint that I hope would be as small as possible, but a constructive social and cultural footprint of being more of a solution than a problem. That’s a positive thing, isn’t it?

But that is not enough, I think. Not enough to make me still see the futility of life. I can see that I’m still an animal that spends one third of a day being literally full of shit. I will be working, writing, publish a book for someone to read (thanks man… ugh), make a coffee company rich, try my best to be good to others and live honorably, die. I believe in reincarnation, so my spirit will travel on to some other dimension or maybe into another creature and I’ll end up fighting for survival, hunting for nuts for the rest of that life, but is that what I’m supposed to have a life for, enslaved by the work and style system?

I wonder if there is a point in trying to convince myself that something different may work? I keep walking forward and keep pushing the envelope, but I am not sure for how long I will care to keep trying and keep my cool. I mean, it worked so well for the last 13 years, why fix something that isn’t broken?

Maybe I’m supposed to fill my life with more enjoyment and excitement. But you know, my writing brings plenty of excitement. I think you may have no idea what it feels like creating worlds out of your imagination and committing their existence and vibration to paper or digital screen.

So, I thought of something.

All the world on this planet is simply a combination of living creatures (and here I put rather frivolously together in one category birds, mammals, reptiles, and insects), plants, rocks, soil, and light. The life, however, wouldn’t be happening if there was no interaction between these species and materials. If plants were out of the soil, they wouldn’t grow. If the living creatures, including humans, wouldn’t eat plants, most of them would die. If the creatures wouldn’t eat creatures, they’d die. If creatures wouldn’t build shelters out of plants and rocks, they would either get attacked by other creatures or freeze to death in certain areas of the world. And without light, most plants and many creatures will perish just as well.

The interaction between all these is what gives life to them all. Interaction is life. Creatures and plants get going through life, keeping breeding and existing because they’ve got it programmed in their brains and sinews. But humans are not so easy. We need a goal. A belief. A dream. A desire.

So maybe it is a different kind of interaction, known as communication? With the like-minded creatures. I could interact beyond writing. I could read more. I could hear more often what they/you say. Yet so often I am tired of what you have to offer. I heard you all for almost forty years. I feel like I could survive listening to the stories I tell myself. But if I do that, how long will it take before I realize that I somehow keep the same story going down the same loop?

I wonder if I am destined to live differently. You know, no future is set. The Nornes keep the scrolls of life written out, so no path I choose is wrong, as long as I don’t break social and moral laws. There are stars that gleam in the darkness that warn me of dangers of straying too far off the path of a noble life.

I often can’t stand people for how they treat themselves and others, but I also know of many people who encourage communicating for the benefit of both sides, and those who help others altruistically. I so much loathe the humankind for what they did to themselves as a race and to other species, that I truly don’t care for what happens to the world after I pass. Actually, I don’t mind the world to burn, but at the same time it warms me to know that there are people who have rebuilt their lives by being of service to others (I regularly see one of them in the mirror. Yes, right next to the toilet.) I read many examples of insanity and tyranny, as well true stories of heroism and care for one another. I so often see people being inconsiderate to everyone and everything around them that I don’t call myself a human. I am a wild creature, a wolf that cares for the pack’s well being.

Am I so full of shit that my eyes are turning brown besides being brown from birth? Birth, life, death, repeat. I need to continue interacting with you to make the repeat not feel so perpetually bleak and senseless, even when life seems to be going not so bad for me. One day the wolf will eat the sun and the world will perish, so proving something to ourselves to keep on living is pointless just for the sake of putting one foot in front of the other aimlessly. I need to keep interacting with others to learn new things to avoid stagnation of the mind. I need to keep a vital interest in pushing forward so that I wouldn’t walk blindly in the same learned lines and behave in the same programmed ways.


the image was copied from thanks.

Smoking Open Lights

20190223_145531 9I’ve just realized that I’ve made it for ten years without smoking tobacco or any other substance this past month. I used to count them, but this year it somehow crept up on my unexpectedly.

I most likely wouldn’t be able to come to not smoking at all if thirteen years and nine months ago I didn’t make a conscious decision to quit… drinking. Weird? No anymore, not to me anyway.

I came to the recovery fellowship and I’ve learned plenty of skills. As the result, I’ve quit drinking which would not work if I didn’t acquire a certain program of thinking and being, a life style that pushed for a healthier life in spirit, body, and mind. Thanks to that, I managed to see clearer some other unhealthy things that I did in my life, behaviors that didn’t help, such as isolating and judging others. A couple years after, “doing” the Steps, I came to the realization that I could quit smoking cigarettes with the help of the Steps wisdom since nothing else worked. This worked out successfully, as some other things. Some didn’t, but that’s life. I keep trying and among other things, I keep saying “thank you” when things work out, whether it is small or large.

“Thank you” is something so easily said, as well as “sorry” or “how are you”, and I think often we don’t really think about it, as we say it to others, or when they say it to us. I try to think about it lately, though. There are lots of things to be grateful for, even if life is not working the way I would prefer it did.

In the Fellowship I was taught to be grateful for every day. It worked when I tried it in my morning prayer. Yet I still resisted being grateful throughout the day. I was happy for sobriety yet I often resented people around me. My first couple years in sobriety were of solid sobriety but at times I felt miserable, because… well, I don’t really know why, but I think I was not there spiritually as much as I could have been. What I decided I’d start doing is saying thank you to people who did the jobs that I knew I would never do successfully. They did their service and I paid for it and I’d say thank you. Within less than ten days my outlook on life started changing for the better.

Soon after that I started working at a homeless shelter. There I met people who were angry about everything, dissatisfied with anything, and it used to distress me, but with time I learned to think they were not having a good day lifetime long. There were also people who woke up and said thank you to anything, to every little thing others did for them. I felt connected to these people, and years later I wrote a novella about that spirit of open-mindedness and gratitude for life.

I don’t think I’d be able to come this far in life and doing reasonably well if I didn’t push myself out of the dark room and allowed myself to have a different life. I used to isolate so much I’ve become a professional isolationist and procrastinator with a diploma hanging on the wall. Even in an active community of recovery with so many things happening, with so much positivity and vigor one can still live a stagnant life. I could have easily slipped through the cracks in these rooms if it wasn’t for the man named Ted. He not only welcomed me into recovery, he also gave me a good kick in the butt to live my recovery actively, and he did it with a cheer and I appreciated that. Years later our paths separated due to disagreements which is still upsetting to me, but I hope he is doing good and maybe one day we will be talking again.

Ted had a vibe full of life, and that vibe infected me, wanting more of life than just living sober. It brought forth the fruits of labor that was sober living, joyful life of recovery that keeps going on, like a wheel turning. There are many people in rooms of sobriety that I’ve met over the years. I am grateful to them all and I hope many others that are in need of help will be able to open their spirits to gratitude and trust to the world wide fellowship of AA and as the result will heal and expand their lives for much better than they ever knew was possible.

instead of a diploma, enjoy the front image that was taken by me. the punctuation (or the lack there of) game made me capture the sign and then inspired me to write this. so, thank you to whoever designed the sign ignoring the (un)holy laws of English punctuation and those who put the sign up.

Positive Choices

chiicesI remember an old saying from back home: If you are arguing with an idiot, there is a chance that they may be doing the same thing.

Funny? No? It’s OK. Have a carrot.

Unless you are an Argument Master and you know the strategy of solving a dispute without losing your face and not making another person feel like crap, arguing is not much fun. I’m sure everybody had verbal fights and not everybody likes them. To have what they want, people need time, space, and choice. Let them have it, unless them having it causes serious trouble for others, maybe.

Choice is a vital part in this system. Very often people say/think they don’t have a choice, yet I think it is very rare when that happens. Granted, some people are stuck in jail or in a mental institution and they cannot easily walk away from being locked up, but even then some of them do have choice to accept treatment/rehabilitation and one day some of them may go free sooner.

So, let’s take me who is in neither of these situations. Let’s say I am having an argument, and I am about to lose my mind. I have several choices on how to act. I can:


get angry,

breath in deep and exhale long,

take a step back,

smile and say “It’s OK. I’ll have a carrot.”

It’s easy to be positive now and philosophize now, but how will I act when an argument pushing for rage comes? Well, I was learning when I heard of this, and I am learning still now as I am writing down the memories. The experience of it all will show how well and what I’ve learned. What I will try to remember firstly is that I need to present the positive choices first. Like, I always can say “no” as I have a right to say “no” without explaining why. Or I can step back instead of yelling, or even lunging forward. I have a choice to react by not reacting. Remember Rush: “If you chose not to decide, you still have made the choice.”

Unlike some others, we have opportunities to make positive choices. Let’s make those. And have some carrots.

the image was copied from and choiced by me. thank you.


The Bumpy Ride

linearHe walked out of the dark room too fast for his own good

And he walked into a wall that I couldn’t believe he couldn’t see.

He walked too fast so on the way he tripped and fell, and he kept crying that his knee hurt

How I resented him!

After all the talk, all the teachings, he still kept doing some strange, unimaginable crap

That was not in the plan.

Years passed, as I watched those like him, failing miserably,

Until I realized that the plan I expected them to succeed accordingly

Was mine, not theirs.

Their lives were theirs, not mine, and such were the expectations.

Everybody’s got their own journey,

And the journey of recovery is not a straight line.

There should be signs all over the place along the track of recovery:

“Expects bumps, setbacks, and redirections!”

Some truly unpredictable situations can happen on the way,

Because life happens.

Sometimes the elevator breaks, and you have to take the stairs to the next level.

Yet though climbing up is exhausting,

We can focus on the idea

That recovery is a road

To pursue a life of fulfillment and hope

And it is worth fighting for no matter how bad the setbacks may seem.

Recovery is not a condition of being healed.

It’s a movement from A to Z and it is truly your own.

I try so hard to remember this when I look at them now

For I remember how I walked and how I fell, and that sometimes

It took a while to get up and walk straight.

I didn’t get all the lessons right away,

But eventually I worked out a plan that suits my journey,

More realistic, and more successful.

I try not to judge them on their success or lack thereof

Because their life and progress

Is none of my business,

For what can I know

Of where they came from and of the depths of their pain?

All I know is my own wounds

And how to tend to them,

No matter how bumpy is the ride.

the image was copied from thank you.